My inner attitude is the compass when dealing with my child
I think it is wonderful what has been happening in our society regarding the topic of children and "upbringing": results of brain research (especially the topic of attachment and its importance for the development of the child) penetrate public awareness, there are great blogs that deal with alternatives to the traditional approach to education, often based on violence, and even online congresses. I recently attended one that ran under the slogan “relationship instead of education”.
In all of this, I feel on one side with myself and in my immediate environment "Yes" to an "upbringing" based on relationship and "eye level" and on the other hand great uncertainty as to how a) this >
All of this is a real challenge given that most of us haven’t studied psychology. I myself found great support in the philosophy of nonviolent communication (GFK) according to Marshall Rosenberg. In fact, the issue of “eye-to-eye relationships” with young people was important to me long before my son was born, since I worked with children and young people in the context of school for several years. In the school environment I realized for the first time how important a relationship based on respect and benevolence is, if you want to bring any content across and this work should also be fun (what goes wrong in our school system is a separate blog value).
Since my everyday life brings with it a high percentage of challenges every day, to live the ideals of the GRP particularly with regard to my child and my husband, I have built a kind of inner compass from my personal experience and the theoretical substructure of the GRP gives me the necessary orientation. Yes, I even have a few cheat sheets in my handbag and in some notebooks that keep reminding me of these things. And since I now like to bring this my heart topic to the people, I do not want to withhold some important cornerstones:
1. My child’s actions, as well as my own, are permanently geared towards meeting needs.
If you realize that we all have certain needs (closeness, exchange, goodwill of others, food, learning, autonomy, etc.) and that these are at the core of all of our actions, it becomes easier to understand why my child (or anyone else) acts in a certain way in a certain situation. If I try to identify the need and acknowledge it (instead of being annoyed because my child is just dawdling again, for example), then I have already created the best conditions for good contact.
2. My child’s needs are as important as my own.
Yes, I really have to keep that in mind sometimes. It is quickly forgotten that a child also has needs and these are just as important when time is short, when you are fulfilling a need yourself or when it is "annoying, difficult or uncomfortable" for some other reason, adequate to these small people. It helps to keep realizing that this little creature is totally dependent on me (also emotionally) and almost depends on me helping him as best I can.
3. Nobody (especially not my child!) Does something “against me”, but always something for themselves!
I carried this principle with me in my wallet for a long time, because it had such a big “aha effect” that I wanted to remember it again and again. Since I internalized it, I have been free from the belief that children do anything “on purpose” or act manipulatively. I am also free from blaming adults for my own feelings (no one can make me feel). I now know that nobody’s actions are aimed at making my life difficult, but that (me White, that I repeat myself here) "everyone works at all times only to meet his needs".
4. If my child shows aggressive behavior, it is an expression of his inner distress.
Aggression is an instinctive reaction to a difficult situation. The part of our brain that is still a reptile reacts with aggression in order to free itself or protect it (if necessary, also from negative feelings, e.g. relieving the internal pressure by hitting, biting, hitting). That when my child is in such a mood, I look at what exactly is his need and try to help him endure the tantrum and then clarify what was going on. It should be said that aggressive behavior does not always arise from the current situation. Sometimes experiences break out that happened hours, days or even months earlier.
5. My child is happy to support me in all situations of life if he is not forced to do so, but can do it voluntarily and within the limits of his abilities.
My son is a good detective of my inner attitude when I ask him for something. For some reason he senses exactly with which attitude I approach him and reacts very adequately. If I ask him for something, but actually expect him to comply with it (which then corresponds to the inner attitude of a request / command), then I can be sure that my son will certainly not comply with the "request" , If, on the other hand, I let him honestly decide whether he complies with my request (i.e. neither disappointed nor upset and still remains in a benevolent attitude), then he usually likes to do what I ask him to do.
That may happen the first Look paradoxical that "do not force" works better than the expectation that the child has to obey. But the explanation for this is simple: an honest request leaves the child room to make his own decisions >own attitude .
Update: I met this quote today and it fits so well on this point.
"Respect for a person is shown in their respect for their ‘no’" (unknown)
I hereby invite you to take up these aspects of posture when dealing with your child (or children). Feel free to write me a comment or an email ([email protected]) and let me know how you feel about the thoughts of this article.
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Dear Mareike, a nice article. I came across this topic completely new. My kids are 7 and 9, so I’ve screwed up a lot. It is difficult to devote yourself to your children with different patterns than you have experienced yourself. For my parents, slaps in the face and locked in the room normally. A hard mother is a good mother (well, year 42). They find me much too lax. But I feel that my way is right and better.
Thank you for your frank words. I would like to encourage you to take a path with your children that is non-violent. It’s never too late to start. Your children love you and you love your children. That is the basis. Please do not torture yourself with thoughts about what you "screwed up". You have done the best you could at all times in your life. This is the case with all parents. Your parents acted in this way too (even if it is difficult to recognize that they did not know how and therefore could not act otherwise). I wish you much strength and joy in this way
All the best
Hello Mareike, this is really an exciting topic. We only saw that yesterday at Mimi when she was free to decide whether to lend Richard her shoes. For me it is often my own impatience, which is sometimes not at all justified, which prevents me from giving Mimi enough space. However, I try to formulate questions and offers only if I can / really want to give her the no option. But it works well if I take the time to do it and I’m not stressed out myself.
thanks for your comment! The situation with Mimi has also shown me very clearly that even the little ones are happy to be ready for theirs contribution afford to. I think that the children really feel the attitude from which we are acting and especially in stress it often backfires (this is also the case with me). That actually brings me back to my other favorite topic: mindfulness. But you practice that too, I know that
All the best
Thanks for the wonderful formulation of my thoughts! From now on I will read this text first and start the day with it.
Dear Barbara, thank you for such great recognition. I am happy that we share these thoughts and please take them with you in serving everyday
All the best
As a social pedagogue, I am absolutely convinced of the method of nonviolent communication … ..n Still I am of the opinion that happy parents … have happy children … … being happy can be learned according to the Karma method and mirror work according to MIK
All the best Sandra
Dear East Tyrolean witch,
thanks for your comment. I have heard of the method you mentioned, but I have not yet been able to take a closer look at it. I’ll take that as a suggestion
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