Go or stay? Does the relationship still make sense?

Dr. Doris Wolf, psychotherapist

There are highs and lows in all partnerships. Disputes, disagreements and discussions are part of everyday relationships and are completely normal.

As long as the partners find each other again and feel positive feelings for each other again, arguments are not hostile to one another.

However, if the bad times prevail, if you have drifted apart and have nothing more to say, if the relationship is only stressful, doubts about the relationship arise.

Questions like:

  • I should go or stay, I should separate?
  • Next torturing?
  • Fight?
  • give up?
  • Put your head in the sand?
  • The relationship still makes sense?
  • The relationship can still be saved?

Weighing the pros and cons is stressful and nerve-wracking.

The following test can be a little help in deciding the question "Go or stay?" his.

STEP 1: Think about what speaks for staying.

Highlight the statements that apply to you and your partnership.


If you have 10 or more points, then you and your partner have a lot in common.

It connects them both more than they separate them. This does not mean that you are always satisfied with everything in your partnership.

However, your relationship is on a good foundation. The question "Should I separate??" probably won’t face you.

Rather, it pays to invest time and energy in your relationship.

Look at the findings you made Not have checked and are considering how you can take this more into account in your relationship can.

If you have 5 to 9 points, then your relationship has most likely worsened and the question "Go or stay" faces you again and again.

Maybe you lack respect or affection, maybe they argue more often than before.

Only you can decide whether you are in a relationship crisis that raises doubts about the relationship.

On the other hand, you shouldn’t just throw away the years you’ve spent together like an old washcloth.

Fight for the relationship instead of fleeing just because you may not have a concrete idea of ​​what’s going on at the moment to change could.

If many stressful events are streaming in from both of them at the moment, this could also be a reason for increased conflicts.

Learning to talk to each other can save your relationship. Maybe you can do this better if you do a couple counseling together.

If you have less than 4 points, then there is hardly anything that connects you with your partner and that speaks for the continued existence of your relationship.

You have probably already resigned internally or resigned.

You probably know the answer to the question "Should I separate??" yes: it is "go".

But then the questions arise: What is stopping you? What are you afraid of? Fear that you will not find a partner after the separation?

Are you afraid that your separation may turn out to be the biggest mistake in your life? Are you afraid of living on Hartz IV? Would you feel guilty about your partner or the children?

Tackle each of your fears and think ahead: how realistic is it that these fears will come after a breakup?

How could you prevent the fear from happening? How could you deal with it, if the Fear would actually materialize?

STEP 2: Think about what speaks for walking.

Highlight the statements that apply to you and your partnership.


If you have 11 and more points, then the question arises why you are still with your partner.

Which ideas of a relationship are still realized if your partner is violent towards you, if he or she keeps on cheating or cheating on you about important things that affect both of you in the future, if he has cheated several times, if he no longer shows you any respect, you permanently humiliates?

What are you still hoping for? What do you fear if you break up? Are you dependent on him?

Are you afraid of the painful consequences of separation??

Holding a strong sense of responsibility, financial problems, a possible move, or the fear of an uncertain future will keep you from leaving?

Have so little self-respect that you willingly play the doormat?

If you lack the courage to separate, contact a psychotherapist or counseling center – even today.

Take the first step today. It’s about your life.

You have the right to humane treatment and a fulfilling life.

Don’t let your partner spoil your life. You didn’t deserve that.

Everything indicates that your relationship can no longer be saved.

If you have 6 to 10 points, then you must first clarify whether your partner shows behaviors that go against your personal dignity.

Does your partner threaten you e.g. physically, beats, humiliates or abuses you sexually?

Then there are no reasons to stay in the relationship.

It doesn’t matter why he behaves like this, whether he’s an alcoholic or comes from a country where men think women are inferior.

With other partner behaviors such as Constant nagging, irritability, reproaches, or unwillingness to change, there may still be a chance to save your relationship – if your partner has a minimum willingness to keep the relationship alive.

In this case, you could do a couple therapy together to find out which options you both have to respond more to the needs and wishes of the other person and to respect them.

And each one of you could learn to deal more with yourself, i.e. to get a better grip on your personal problems.

Because mostly it is personal problems that prevent you from being able to relate.

If you want to save your relationship, access outside help – or separate.

The way your relationship is going at the moment is too unsatisfactory to keep it alive for years or decades to come.

If you have 1 to 5 points, then there is still a good chance that your relationship can be saved – provided you and your partner approach each other again and learn to talk to each other – about their expectations and needs, about their disappointments and past hurts.

If they can’t do it in pairs because each of them goes straight to defense and justification or feels attacked, they take couple therapy.

Couples therapy can help both of you to save the relationship if you and your partner are willing to work for the relationship.

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Thank you for giving me your time. I have been helping people deal with personal problems for 35 years. I find a balance to my professional activity in Nordic walking, meditation, Jin Shin Jyutsu and the baking of delicious cakes & biscuits.


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